Legislate, Dangit!

Some things that should be illegal are not.

A couple of days ago, in Andrea's car, I heard a song on the radio. I thought my head was going to explode. I developed a terrible headache, and a spinning, swimming, dizzy sensation came over me. And yet, I forced myself to listen to the whole song, driven by the almost journalistic duty I felt to you, my readers, that I might write this very essay.

Today, in Borders, I heard another song on the radio. It made me want to vomit. I prayed that it would end, that I might not die, and I tossed any sense of journalistic duty out the window, because two sickeningly horrible songs in as many days was just too much.

But I'm not just talking about bad songs. If that were the case, this essay would be too long to write. Entire genres of music could be tossed under such a broad umbrella. In fact, pretty much the entire modern music industry could fit under that umbrella. No, I'm talking about a very specific type of song. I'm talking about really bad cover songs.

Now, not all cover songs are bad. The Smashing Pumpkins' cover of Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide," for example, was amazing. In fact, I would even venture to say that it's even better. And though it's not as good as the Smashing Pumpkins version, even the Dixie Chicks' version is an excellent take on the song. Or take the Counting Crows cover of Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" (think, "They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot"). Okay, kudos to Joni Mitchell for the clever lyric, but good gosh, her version of that song is just eardrum-breaking! Now, I'm not a huge Counting Crows fan, as some may well know, but it's a good thing they covered that song, because it was a good song just dying to be sung well.

My point is that I don't hate covers. Some, I very much like. But this is about bad covers. And we're going to take a couple specific examples here. Now, just in case you've heard these particulars covers and like them, let me loosely quote Dave Berry, from his "Book of Bad Songs": Because music is personal and subjective, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and yours is wrong.

First, we have Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall." This is the song I heard covered in Andrea's car. It was horrible. All the classic and terribly skillful guitar work is completely gone, replaced by staccato power chords with really bad distortion. And the vocals? He's got this gutteral yelling/growling thing going on, a la nu rock. You know what? If that's your style, that's fine; but the vocals must fit the music, or they will destroy the song, as they did in this case. Essentially, all the musicianship—and there was so much—was taken out of this song. But why should I tell you about it? Judge for yourself:

The Pink Floyd version:
Another Brick in the Wall

The Korn, I-think-I-feel-sick version:
Another Brick in the Wall (Vomitous Cover)

Consider my case rested. On to our second example.

Here, we have Kansas's "Dust in the Wind," an all-time classic. If you don't know this song, you have grown up in a hole in the ground; go listen to it now. The cover I heard in Borders was performed by Sarah Brightman, and it triggered and almost uncontrollable gag reflex in me. This lady doesn't even deserve to be singing bad renditions of "The Star Spangled Banner" next to Sandi Patti, let alone braving the soil of rock history. This is sacriligious and offensive; how dare she? But I cannot describe it; I shall only let you listen, and I am confident that all will become (excruciatingly) painfully clear to you as soon as the woman opens her mouth. Once again, listen to the original first for reference.

The Kansas version:
Dust in the Wind

The Sarah Brightman, can-I-die-now-please version:
Dust in the Wind (Vomitous Cover)

I hope you had common sense enough to stop the covers before your eardrums were torn asunder. Now you understand what I mean about bad covers.

There ought to be a law against bad covers like these. Oh, think you that I jest? I know that "There oughtta be a law against..." is a figure of speech. But make no mistake about it; I am quite serious.

Congressman! Senators!! What do you think we elect you for!?! Legislate, dangit!