desolation yes, hesitation no

my website is frustrating me to no end. it loads from some places (josh's house, for example), but not others (such as my house and the church). and i have found no rhyme or reason to any of it. who knows? maybe it loads for you. if you're reading this, you're lucky. or maybe you're extremely unlucky? sometimes i am tempted to just walk away, and be alone. sometimes i would rather just not know anyone. sometimes i would rather just not care. i'm pretty awesome at being alone; i do it well. maybe i should do it for a living. i don't know why people hate it; it's a lot easier. i found a candy store that sells a couple kinds of candy that i used to buy as a kid in switzerland. it made me feel like i was 12 years old all over again, standing in the corner bakery with yann and julien, and maybe guillaume, asking for "cinq lasagnes vertes, cinq bleues, et une douzaines de grenouilles." i think i'll go back and get some more. merci! people like to ask why it is that god allows pain and suffering in the world. i think that maybe that's just an absurd question, like asking why it is that god allows life to happen. maybe that's what life is, an endless and constant stream of varying degrees of pain and suffering, sorrow and sadness, with brief moments of joy, happiness, and pleasure sporadically and unexpectedly mixed in, like a handful of chocolate chips into a large batch of cookie dough. or maybe i'm just a cynic. or am i? i'll tell you what i really miss: chawarmas. the food, not the people, for those who grew up speaking the same rare form of ethnic slang that i did. mmmm... chawarmas. that and burnt corn. and atcheke. maybe i'll go buy some plantains and make some alloco. walking hasn't been bad for me, but i'm more or less done with it. (more or less? yeah, pretty much.) i miss janie. as soon as i get my license back, she and i are taking a vacation day together. hope she's not too out of shape for a long ride. the music is back. at least, for a little bit, it has been. i finished a song, the other day. the first in about half a year. that brings the count up to twenty songs and two poems. a quick flip through my notebook reveals a dozen more in the works, one or two of which are very close to being finished, as well. maybe i'll post the lyrics of this latest song for you later, if you like. or if you're lucky, you'll be one of the ones for whom my site will actually load. think of all the things i could do if i was a hermit, a recluse, a loner. so much. so many goals i could accomplish. and i could read, i could actually read. do well in school, write, even do some studying of my own kind, on my own time. pay off my bills and all my debts. leave. probably leave. vitalogy reminds me of my sophomore year, rooming with seun. clouser coming in after lights out. we were where the music was at. like a trapdoor in the sun. immortality. of course i realize none of this is even remotely related, don't you think I know that? it is, after all, my hands doing the typing. oh don't act so surprised, my thoughts are rarely that linear. are yours? thus also the lack of capitalization; it's okay to be surprised about that one. some things i probably should not have written. lay all you want on me, i'll be your whipping boy. in the end, i really just want a chawarma. so i guess i'll just go shave this worthless scruff off.