Watch Me While I Solo Your Face Off!

Ladies, beware the guitar playing man.

One rule has absolutely no exceptions, no not one. If a guy is playing a guitar, he is showing off. Period.

You've heard of the guys who started playing guitar to "get chicks." I'd heard of it, too. I always thought it was funny. I started playing guitar because I was inspired by a good friend's band during my sophomore year in high school. He was graduating at the end of the year, and the remaining members of the band would be shifted around, the band reinvented. I decided to learn to play bass so that I could join the band. I was inspired by the music, and I started learning to play for the music. By the end of the summer, I had tossed bass aside and begun playing guitar. The rest is history. I always heard about guys who started playing for the girls. I never really believed it, probably because I didn't actually think it worked. It certainly didn't at my school. When I was in high school, there were only a handful of us. Daniel Clouser, whose band inspired me to take up music; Joel Wright, who is unexplainable to any who hasn't known him; Nathan Hale, my best friend and my musical foil; and myself. Suffice it to say that we redefined the word "unlucky" when it came to the ladies.

You can understand how I thought that the whole idea of picking up the guitar for the girls was just a joke. But things are very different here in America. Give me a guitar and a little time, and I can work magic. Magic, I tell you. And let me assure you, I have now met many guys who really did start playing for the girls, and have found great success therein. But back to my original point.

I'm taking a couple of guitar classes at the U of O. Both classes are 90% men. And let me tell you the thing about a guitarist: he will never stop playing. Now, I know how it is, my fingers love the fretboard so much that sometimes they wander, making their own music, without my even intending it. But it is simply madness in this room. Our instructor tries to speak, and it's just impossible. He's up at the chalk board, drawing out fret maps and scales and explaining concepts to us. Meanwhile, at least three or four guys are off doing their own thing. Heads bowed, shoulders hunched, eyes closed, heads shaking, portraying the image of a person who's feeling the music even more than Ray Charles himself. And outright playing, going crazy on their guitars. And loud! And this guy's trying to talk! Did they come here to learn, or to show us their mad skillz, with a "z"? Of course they came to show off their wicked awesome soloing abilities. If they came to learn, they'd be listening.

It made me think of all the times I've been in mixed company and seen a guy pick up a guitar. And I can guarantee you this, ladies: If he's playing his guitar, he's showing off. If he looks at you a lot while playing, or if he was talking to you before he pulled out the guitar, he's showing off for you. And you know what? You can't help it. It is working beautifully, and you know it, and you can't help it.

Beware the guitar playing man!