No Smoking!

Why do people smoke? I mean, seriously. Why??! I've tried to understand this, and here's what I've come up with.

Potential reasons a person might choose to begin smoking (because the question we should really ask is not why people smoke, since the answer to that is obvious—they're addicts—but rather, what caused them to take up the filthy habit in the first place, and thereby become addicted?):

1. It tastes good.

2. It smells good.

3. It feels good.

4. It is healthy (or has other desirable, beneficial physical benefits).

5. It brings greater success in a desired area (luck with the ladies, becoming a successful businessman, winning a gold medal in distance running... whatever.)

6. And everybody's favorite, It's cool.

These are all the reasons to begin smoking that I could possibly come up with. I shall now proceed to debunk every single one, thereby convincing you never, ever, EVER to smoke!

Here we go:

It tastes good. No, it does not. In fact, it tastes pretty filthy. I know, I've tasted it. So much for that idea.

It smells good. Once again, no, it does not. While I could easily leave it there, let me actually take an extra moment on this one. It does not smell good. In fact, it smells disgusting. And not only does it smell disgusting to the smoker (remember folks, we're talking new smokers here, not lifelong addicts, because I'm sure it smells like Heaven to them!). I would guesstimate that maybe one quarter of one third of one seventeenth of one seventy-sixth of one half of a percent of people enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke. Approximately. Give or take a few. (This does not count nicotine addicts themselves; for the purposes of this essay/rant, they do not count as "people".) But it's worse than that. Even beyond the fact that 99.99996775 percent of people don't enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke is the fact that it's also horrible for those of us who have to smell it second hand, or even just the odor of it on the smoker after they just smashed the butt into the ground! But we'll talk more about that later.

It feels good. I know this is starting to sound pretty repetitive, but no, it doesn't! Now, what many addicts may have long forgotten and many who have never tried it may never have known is that at very first, smoking a cigarette does actually give a very small (almost insignificantly so) high. A little buzz, so to speak. Slows down the vision a little bit, makes you feel a little weird. This very soon goes away if the tentative smoker decides to make the transition from experimenter to addict. The smoker builds up a tolerance and soon forgets that smoking ever gave him that very temporary, very mild buzz. But until he becomes an addict—and since it's the experimenters and not the addicts that we are talking about here—there is a little bit of an effect. The problem is this: what little high there is, even in the beginning, SUCKS!! It really just slows down your vision a little bit and makes you feel kinda queasy. Kids, take it from me on this one: there are highs that feel good, which makes it all the more difficult to resist the temptation; this is most assuredly NOT one of them. It's sickening and really just kinda gross. So does it feel good? No!

It is healthy (or has other desirable, beneficial physical benefits). Okay, I put that one in there just because. I'm hoping that nobody would actually say that. If that's your argument, you have a much bigger problem than tobacco smoking: you are on crack. Get help. Next!

It brings greater success in a desired area (luck with the ladies, becoming a successful businessman, winning a gold medal in distance running... whatever.) Okay, look. If you're job involves constant sales or diplomatic meetings with Japanese businessmen or politicians, then okay. Under such circumstances, by all means, smoke it up! (Or you could GET ANOTHER JOB!!). Otherwise. Hmm... let's see. Let's play a little round of Myth Busters, shall we? This excuse is also known as "It's sexy." I think it is very important that we address this whole aspect of the smoking argument, and here's why: IT'S NOT!! As far as I and pretty much anyone I have ever known are concerned, smoking is unquestionably THE single biggest turn-OFF in a woman. Period. I don't care if Jennifer Garner, Liv Tyler, or Angelina Jolie is hitting on me. The moment she lights up, she just became the ugliest woman in the entire world. Period. Now, I do realize that a small percentage of the population is actually attracted to smokers. And if you're one of them, I say once again that you have a bigger problem than cigarette smoking: you are a victim of mental or emotional retardation. Or, most likely, both. Get help. They have padded white rooms for people like you. Now, for anyone trying to attract those rare few who are actually attracted to smokers, hey—it's your funeral. But it ain't mine, so keep your second hand smoke away from me.

And lastly, back to the favorite: It's cool. Congratulations, if this is your reasoning, you are brain dead, mentally and emotionally retarded, and on crack, all at the same time! Unfortunately, I think this is the biggest reason for which experimenters become smokers. It doesn't taste good, it doesn't smell good, it doesn't feel good (since we're talking about people who are not yet addicted to it, here), it's not healthy, and it's not sexy. So there is really no good reason to start. So why do they start? It's cool. And that's all people care about in high school and college.

Wait, no. Let's just refer to them as "they," and say that "that's all they care about in high school and college." For the purposes of this rant, "they" are not people, either.

Once they finally grow a mind, or at least something that bears resemblance to one, and figure out that is without a doubt one of the DUMBEST reasons to do anything, it's too late. They're addicted. And while they may have learned just enough individual thought to realize what idiots they once were, they still haven't got the discipline to just stop. And that's how we end up with a bunch of "them" hopelessly addicted and enslaved to one of the filthiest and most disgusting substances on this earth.

Now, there are a couple points in all of this that are worth elaborating on. So for starters, let's go back to the "it smells good" thing.

You know, it's bad enough if anyone is dumb enough to think cigarette smoke actually smells good. But while many of these reasons have to do with aspects of smoking that only affect the smoker, the smell is one that affects us all. And it is a disgusting smell. In fact, the smell is actually what inspired me to begin this rant. There are two people where I work that smoke. We're talking chain smokers here. Work a couple hours, step outside for a smoking break. Now, I am thankful that I don't have to smell it while they're actually smoking. But I have non-smoking legislation to thank for that, not smokers, because smokers are never that considerate. But every time one of them even walks by, I have to hold my breath, because they smell so bad! I mean, do you seriously want everyone you even walk past in a day—not to mention the ones you sit by or talk to!—thinking to themselves, "Gosh, he smells SOOOOO BAD!!!" I mean, if that is your goal in life, hey... light up! I'll call the nearest assylum and make you a reservation.

Seriously, people. It's rude, and it's offensive, and all for what? What do you get out of it, other than dependance on a substance that will eventually kill you, and in the meantime, will transform you into one of the most unattractive, undesirable, unsociable people on the face of the planet?! Nothing. You have NOTHING to gain, and EVERYTHING to lose, and in the meantime, it reeks!! AND I DON'T APPRECIATE THAT!!

Before we wrap this up, let's talk a little bit more about the "it's sexy" and "it's cool" reasons. I can not say enough times how unattractive smoking is. And anyone who would ever actually be attracted to you specifically because you smoke is not worth the attraction! Guys, congratulations, you've found yet another way to be really, really dumb. And girls... for crying out loud! I mean, guys are bad enough. Because guys are inherently ugly, which means they actually start out having ground to make up. Adding cigarette's only worsens their plight. But girls!! Women are inherently beautiful. And all it takes is one little cigarette to completely destroy all of that, and then some!!! You have GOT to trust me on this one, ladies: stay away from the cigarettes! For all the time you spend picking out nice clothes, doing your hair, putting on makeup, and just generally putting some effort into looking nice before going out, all it takes is one cigarette to destroy all of that, and then some. If you're gonna smoke, don't even bother showering, doing your hair, putting on makeup, or wearing nice clothes. Just roll out of bed, throw on some sweats, grab your cigarettes, and head for the door. Because once you smoke, the rest is all a waste of time.

And if you're smoking because it's cool, well... I'm not gonna waste any more time on you than to say that you're dumb. How retarded.

People, smoking is a filthy, filthy habit. There is absolutely NO GOOD that comes from it. No benefit! All it does is make you unattractive, unpleasant, and eventually, prematurely dead.

If you still insist on ruining your own life, that's fine. It's your funeral. But I hereby declare myself a no-smoking zone! It ain't my funeral, so don't bring your smoke my way, or I may just speed up the process of your own death that you have already begun!