Fight or Flight

It's been a while, I know. I apologize. But enough of that, let me get back to it.


Making long term commitments is a dangerous and scary thing, for a person like myself. When it comes down to it, I'm a runner. When it seems like too much, that's my cue to go.

Maybe it's fear, maybe I'm afraid of something. Not sure what, if at all. If that's the case, then I guess the only difference between me and anyone else is that when I run, it's a lot less figurative — I actually leave.

Maybe it's just habit. Seems like I've spent my whole life leaving. Moving on is just part of life. Just out of habit and restlessness. Like a dog that gets excited every night after dinner because he knows it's time for his walk, I've been trained that right about the time I start to get comfortable somewhere, that usually means it's time to move on..

I've heard people say, "Nobody likes change." And that's a pretty safe statement, because I can't say I've known anyone who does. Except me. I almost always like change. Most of the time, I'm the one doing the changing.

Or maybe I just don't want to be known. I think everybody looks down on hermits and drifters because they're disconnected from everyone. But not me: a part of me envies them. The same part of me that sometimes feels inclined to decide tonight that it's time to go, and leave in the morning, without telling a soul.

So who really knows the Why? of it all. Maybe it's all of the above. But suffice it to say, long term commitments are a tricky business for me. Not that I'm unable or unwilling. It just implies that I'm going to stay here, wherever "here" is, for a while, and that's a new experience for me. And I'm not sure how to react to it, at times. It's hard to wrap my mind around.

So in the past few days, I've felt that urge to leave. The difference is that this time, there are things to keep me here, reasons for me to stay. Commitments I've made that I can't break, and people I've met that I don't want to leave behind. Hmmm... how 'bout that?

I think one reason people don't like change is because it forces them to face and deal with the unknown. For me, staying is the unknown.

Well... I'm not going anywhere. Here goes nothing.

[Crossing fingers.]